Of Mites and Motes

It was one of those mornings.  The kind that begins with children whining and screaming and the bag in the diaper pail splitting and leaking and then, while wrestling the reeking, leaking bag into another bag your hair somehow gets caught in the pail and while you sit there untangling yourself you hear your older two children bickering and slamming doors and stomping and you really want to parent the way the Lord would, and for a moment you seriously consider giving a 40 year in the wilderness time out and then you realize that you have only been awake for 20 minutes and you have nothing left, the inner reserves are totally depleted.  

It was one of those mornings.

Ironically just the night before, I was thinking of all the things I wanted to accomplish - things like exercise, and writing more and pursuing talents and giving service and strengthening friendships and reading.  

Thinking of where I was and where I wanted to be had me feeling more than a little depressed because my limitations are very real and infuriatingly limiting.  I can only give so much but it feels like I can/should/aught to be able to give so much more.

Then the parable of the widow's mite flashed into my mind.  That widow gave next to nothing, but it was all she had.  Others had buckets of money and were able to slosh it around as generously as they liked.  The widow may not have given much, just a mite, but she gave all she had.

Some days I plonk the kiddos in front of candy-colored animation while I pull the covers over my head and try to remember what silence and solitude feel like.  Some days that is my mite - my everything.  It doesn't look like much, but it's all I have.

Right now, as we are saying goodbye to two weeks of colds and flu and starting homeschool just thinking about exercise is all I can do.  Keeping in on my "to be added to my life as soon as possible" list is all I can do.  It is not much, but it's what I have to give.

Some days two verses of scripture (sans meditation, study, cross-referencing, outside reading or preparing for Sunday School) is all I can do.  The judgy voice in my head is having a field day with that one, but honestly, some days that is all I can do.

Ditto for the dishes, laundry, toilets, reading list etc. etc. etc.

For the longest time I have been defining these areas where I lack as motes and beams - something wrong that needed fixing.  But I may have had it all wrong.

If I am truly giving everything, then when I have more I will be able to give more.  True, others may have buckets of time to slosh as generously as they choose and that's great for them and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

If I am giving everything, no matter how little than I am in mite territory, not mote territory.

This realization doesn't change anything, but it sure makes me feel better.